By Caitlin Judd
It’s time we say goodbye to the ‘good girl’ scripting we’ve been raised by and set our daughters free, says Caitlin Judd.
Do you remember what you were praised for as a child? Being helpful? Playing nicely? Staying quiet?
They weren’t just compliments. They were instructions. And if we’re not careful, we pass them down without even realising it.
Good girl scripting, the invisible rulebook that teaches girls to be nice, accommodating, small, and endlessly apologetic, starts early. It shows up in the praise we give for being ‘helpful’ and ‘sweet’ in the way we encourage girls to let things go, put others first, and in the subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways we reward compliance over courage.
But it doesn’t stop at childhood; it marches alongside us right into adulthood. It becomes the voice that tells us to say yes when we mean no, to apologise for taking up space, to shrink ourselves to make others comfortable. It costs us our boundaries, our voice, our time, our energy, and eventually our sense of self. What begins as ‘be a good girl’ in childhood morphs into a lifetime of masking.
Maybe you catch yourself saying ‘good girl’ to your daughter, and it doesn’t sit right.
Maybe you notice her eager-to-please behaviour and wonder where it’s coming from.
These are crucial moments, the ones where our own conditioning meets the opportunity to rewire what girls believe about worth, value and being ‘good’.
“GIRLS WHO ARE ALLOWED TO MESS UP WILL BECOME THE WOMEN WHO ARE BRAVE ENOUGH TO TRY.”
Caitlin Judd
I never intended to write a book about the broader social and cultural influences on ‘good girl’ conditioning. But when I started pulling at the threads, I couldn’t ignore where it came from. The systems, the institutions, the power structures that have spent generations training women to stay small.
And sadly, we’ve internalised it. We pass it down to our daughters. Even those of us who know better. Even those of us who consider ourselves progressive. It’s hardwired into us, and it’s not our fault. But understanding where it comes from is the first step to breaking free, and helping our daughters do the same.
Breaking the Cycle
In my new book Good Girl, Goodbye, I explore the deep roots of this conditioning and how we can stop perpetuating it. Here are 7 simple ways we can raise girls who know their worth and live on their own terms:
1. Create a Language Swap
It’s easy to default to saying ‘good girl when praising behaviour. But if we only reward the obedient and quiet kind of goodness, we strengthen the idea that being pleasing is a pathway to love and acceptance. Try these instead:
- “Go girl!” (great for effort-based wins or brave moments)
- “You worked really hard on that.”
- “That’s a brave choice. Do you need help?”
- “You really stood up for yourself there. How did that feel?”
- “I love how you kept trying, even though it was hard.”
2. Teach Them Their Body Belongs to Them
One of the most powerful lessons we can teach young girls is that their body belongs to them. They have the right to say yes, no, not right now, or I changed my mind.
One of my best friends has three daughters and I love watching how she navigates this. If one of her girls rejects a hug or a kiss from an adult, they know they can fist bump, high five or wave instead. They’re still behaving kindly, but it allows them to honour their own boundaries.
These moments build the muscle of agency. Teaching girls that they are not difficult, but that they are discerning, is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.
3. Model What You Want Them to Become
Children learn more from what we do than what we say. They internalise how we speak to ourselves, how we set boundaries, how we apologise, and how we make decisions.
The goal is to model behaviour that shows girls it’s okay to ask for what they need, and it’s okay to say no, without guilt. When we assert ourselves and speak up, their developing brain clocks it.
We don’t have to be perfect role models. The more we model imperfections with grace, the better. It shows them that emotions are raw and messy and complex.
4. Divide the Labour Equally
Gendered labour begins at home. Who does the emotional labouring? Who remembers everyone’s birthdays? Who’s the ‘good cop’ versus the ‘bad cop’ parent?
We can’t teach our kids equality if what they see is an unbalanced divide. That’s why it’s important to make the invisible work, visible. Discuss the mental load of planning and managing, not just the time and energy it takes to follow through on those tasks. Talk, openly and honestly, about fairness. Ask your kids: ‘Do you think everyone in this house is contributing?’ Rotate roles regularly and show them that care work isn’t a default. It’s shared, and it’s deeply valued.
5. Celebrate Mistakes and Imperfection
Perfectionism is the enemy of growth. A home that celebrates mistakes and encourages trying new things raises resilient, creative and self-trusting girls. Create an environment that accepts mistakes by:
- Sharing your moments of failure and what you learned.
- Praising effort over outcome.
- Asking process-driven questions. ‘How did you come up with that idea?’
- Displaying the mess and madness. Hang their weird art on the walls!
Girls who are allowed to mess up will become the women who are brave enough to try.
6. Talk About Money Without Shame
Financial literacy is wildly gendered. Parents are more likely to talk to boys about investing and to girls about budgeting and saving. The earlier girls understand how to earn, manage and multiply money, the better equipped they’ll be as adults.
Nurture financial wellbeing by involving them in basic spending decisions, teaching them about pay gaps and equity, and introducing simple investing tips. I suggest taking your kids on a playful ‘Money Quest’. Give them a small sum of money to earn, share or stretch. They might donate it to a cause they love, hunt for treasures in a second-hand store or set up a bracelet stand out the front of the house. The goal is to inspire creativity, generosity and confidence around money.
Most importantly, remind your girls that money doesn’t increase their worth, but it does give them choices, and choices are freedom.
7. Let Girls Lead
Girls aren’t always encouraged to step into leadership positions. We praise helpfulness over assertiveness, leading to girls getting called ‘bossy’ when they display gumption. A few easy ways to nurture leadership are:
- Modelling self-leadership. If she sees you asking for what you need, she’ll learn to do the same.
- Welcoming their input. Ask her what she thinks and how she would handle situations.
- Supporting their weird ideas. Let her test them and see what works.
- Encouraging her back into the ring when she stumbles, and celebrating failure as important feedback.
The Path Forward
Our daughters don’t need us to be perfect, but they do need us to be present. To show them that niceness isn’t the same as goodness. That anger can be a healthy signal that a boundary has been crossed. That taking up space is their birthright.
You can’t dismantle what you can’t see. Most of us are so deeply conditioned that we don’t even realise we’re performing. But once we do see it, we can choose differently. We can raise girls who are loud, boundaried, and unapologetic. Girls who know that their worth isn’t contingent on how much they please everyone else.
Change starts with us. With seeing the script we were handed. With choosing, in small rebellious ways, to live outside of it, and to raise daughters who never have to carry it at all.
Now available
Good Girl, Goodbye by Caitlin Judd
A bold roadmap for women ready to stop people-pleasing and start living on their own terms. Identifying the 12 Good Girl archetypes, practical tools to set boundaries, and a framework to define what success really means to you.
