I remember finishing a two-day overnight job and coming home feeling completely overwhelmed.
The kids were tired and irritable – they missed their mama terribly and I missed them also.
I missed my husband and the feeling of connection and calm that had slowly been eroding the busier I was getting.
From the outside, I was kicking goals. My career was booming and I was being booked for bigger and better jobs, but there was an ache in the depths of my soul telling me that I needed to make a change.
I felt it so strongly, but up until that point I wasn’t willing to listen to my inner voice.
I had put the earplugs in, crossed my arms and dug my heels in. I wanted it all. I wanted to be the career girl but also the doting mother and wife. I wanted to be ambitious and successful but I also wanted to be a homemaker and go to soccer practice.
“I wanted the best of all the worlds, and I wanted to do it all well. Is that too much to ask?!”
I wanted everyone to be happy and thriving, but the cost was my health, my heart and my sanity. It just wasn’t working.
I will never forget the conversation I had with Guy in our kitchen one evening when the kids were asleep. I was making the school lunches and I had started to come undone. I just couldn’t see a way to be true to all the people I was trying to be.
What do you want?
I unravelled a little and he asked me, ‘What do you want? Do you want to work this hard and not be with the kids?
If so, then commit to that and go for it. If not, then let work take the back seat and put the kids upfront. Whatever you decide is fine with me but do what is right for you.
From where I stand, you are not happy. Is this really what you want?’
From the day of that conversation with Guy in the kitchen, I decided to make some major life changes.
I chatted to my main clients about stepping back from working so much and they were all very gracious and understanding. I began saying no far more than I said yes, even though that was challenging.
At first, it felt like a bit of a mess. Yet, I surrendered to it all.
This is where the magic happened. The minute I began to settle in and release my grasp on what I thought should be happening is when life began to fall into place.
This is an extract from Tea & Honesty by Jules Sebastian, Murdoch Books, $32.99.