Best-selling author Megan Dalla-Camina unpacks the pressures on working women (no you’re not just imagining it). Welcome to the Motherhood Paradox.
By Megan Dalla-Camina
Have you ever stopped to ponder why women tend to be the primary caregivers in their families, despite also working full time?
And have you ever questioned why there’s a societal expectation that women work like they don’t have children and conversely, parent like that don’t have a career outside of the family home?
(Don’t even get me started on the double-edged guilt sword – we feel guilty when we’re with our kids and not working, and we feel guilty when we’re working and not with our children. We can never win).
I could provide you with countless more examples, but if you’re a working mum I know that you’re intimately familiar with these impossible standards, or what I call, the Motherhood Paradox.
“THE ROLE OF WOMEN HAS SHIFTED CONSIDERABLY OVER THE PAST FEW DECADES, BUT THE SYSTEMS AROUND US HAVE NOT CHANGED ENOUGH TO SUPPORT US.”
Identifying the Paradoxes of Power
There are six paradoxes of power that impact how women work, lead, and live that I write about in my book Women Rising: The forces that hold us back, the tools to help us rise. These external forces hold women back, can keep them small, stuck, and socially compliant, and make them feel like they’re failing.
- ‘Be more confident, but don’t be assertive or aggressive’ – The Confidence Paradox.
- ‘Be a leader, but not like that’ – The Leadership Paradox.
- ‘Be visible, but don’t promote yourself’ – The Visibility Paradox.
- ‘Be successful, but in a sea of expectations’ – The Success Paradox.
- ‘Be empowered, but in a system that disempowers you’ – The Empowerment Paradox.
- ‘Be a great mother, but work like you don’t have children’ – The Motherhood Paradox.
If you’ve ever been talked over, undermined in a meeting, labeled as bossy or aggressive, had self-promotion interpreted as arrogance, had your empathy and vulnerability discredit you, or had someone suggest that you wouldn’t be interested in a promotion because you ‘just had a baby’ or have kids at home – you’ve been a victim of one of the paradoxes of power.
And if you’re anything like the thousands of women I’ve worked with, you’ve likely had many firsthand experiences. Perhaps even daily experiences.
Our Systems Fail Modern Working Women
The role of women has shifted considerably over the past few decades, but the systems around us have not changed enough to support us.
Read that again and let the enormity of it sink in.
For years women have been trying to contort themselves to fit in and succeed, by working and leading like a man, but this simply is not working for the majority of working women. The fact of the matter is, until we actively create a new paradigm of womanhood, leadership and feminine power, we will continue to feel disempowered and ‘not enough’.
Navigating the Motherhood Paradox
So what do you do about these paradoxes of power, and how do you play a role in creating this new paradigm, without starting an uprising and burning your bra in protest?
For the sake of this conversation, let’s focus on the Motherhood Paradox.
First things first, get clear on how the Motherhood Paradox has directly impacted or is currently impacting you.
How have you personally experienced the pressures of the Motherhood Paradox in your own work and life?
How have these pressures made you feel?
What have they cost you?
And if these questions are difficult to answer, it may be helpful to consider the experience of your male partner if you have one, or a man close to you.
How do society’s expectations differ for working fathers?
What is their daily reality?
What does fatherhood cost them in their careers?
This comparison is not intended to create an “us versus them” mentality, but rather to illuminate and understand that the expectations that are placed on men and women are oftentimes so ingrained and insidious, that we don’t think to question them. Often, this mirror and contrast can help us to understand our own experiences and disadvantages more clearly.
Creating Change from Within
From this informed place, we stop waiting for the external systems that we work and live in to change, so that we can finally thrive…
And instead begin to shift the system inside of us.
That’s when we start having real conversations with our female colleagues.
We start prioritising our own self-care and understand that we cannot, and should not be expected to, do it all.
We begin redefining our boundaries and advocating for our needs.
And we start to actively challenge the norms that keep us small.
And when we do these things? Slowly but surely, a new paradigm of womanhood, leadership and feminine power starts to form and not only does it positively impact us, it impacts our female colleagues, our daughters and the generations of women to come.
Never underestimate the huge ripple of change that you can create as an individual. Each of us has a role to play and collectively, women can break free from the forces, stories and status quo that hold us back and limit our potential.
Let’s stand so strongly in our power that society, and workplaces, have no choice but to adapt.
Megan Dalla-Camina’s new book Women Rising: The forces that hold us back, the tools to help us rise is out now.
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